HYPOTHETICAL NEWS FLASH: President Obama to Congress: “I Screwed Up. Now Let Me Fix It”

[A Hypothetical Encounter Somewhere in the Nation’s capital]

14 NOVEMBER 2013

WASHINGTON, D.C.: In a Surprise, Imaginary Visit to the Capitol yesterday afternoon in the midst of an ongoing crisis over the Affordable Care Act Web site, President Barack Obama delivered the following address to a joint session of Congress:

“Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, and thank you for meeting here with me, to hear my unequivocal, public apology about the ongoing situation at healthcare-dot-gov.

 “First of all, let me say it straight out: I screwed up. Now I’m busy fixing it.

“No question about it. It was my job to get this website up and running, so that millions of Americans can finally get access to the kind of healthcare insurance that Obamacare makes available. This was my job. We had an opening date of October first. The site wasn’t ready. It’s in better shape now, but it’s still not what it should be. It’s my fault. I deserve all of the blame. I screwed up.

“I’m sorry. I apologize. Words cannot convey how bad and embarrassed I feel that this happened, to my signature achievement, so deep into my watch.

“In addition to a fix, I owe you a full accounting. I intend to make sure that you get that accounting. I promise that you will have that accounting, as soon as this ACA start-up work is complete.

____________________

“But For right now—

“Hey! It’s only a website.

“And as the ‘face’ of Obamacare, with my name on it, it’s an important website.

“But still. It’s only the face. It’s not the insurance programs themselves.

“The important thing is to get the insurance policies up and running.

“Getting Obamacare up and running: that’s what my people are working on right now. Even as we speak.

____________________

“Now, we only have four more months left to do it. Only four more months, if we’re to see this thing through on time.

“And just about a month left, for people to get those first policies, that start January 1, 2014.

“Now, I realize it’s tempting, to spend a lot of time right now, figuring out how to blame the guy responsible. It’s tempting to call some people out on the carpet, and to see some heads roll. Right now!

“But we are busy right now! We have to get Obamacare up and running as soon as possible. We want millions of Americans get the solid healthcare coverage they are entitled to.

“And we still need to make that happen on time.

“When you’re aboard a ship that’s sprung a leak, you have two options:

“First, you can work to fix the leak, and keep the ship moving forward while you’re doing it.

“The second option is to sit around talking about how bad the leak is, and who caused it. Maybe make them walk the plank.

“So while you in Congress sit around, and hold hearings, and subpoena witnesses to assign blame (and we know that the blame falls on me), my people are going to keep working on patching the leak in the boat. We will keep busy, bailing and paddling. Moving the Obamacare forward.

___________________

“Hopefully, we can agree that we all want the best outcome for the American people. So in every thing we do, in the White House and here in the Capitol, blame has to come second. Because what comes first is working for the people. We are all here for one thing: to bring the American people the best outcomes possible.

“In that regard, my people and I have important work to do. We have a leaky website to fix. And then we have to make sure a bunch of insurance policies get to a bunch of our people.

____________________

“So if you’ll excuse me for the time being, Ladies and Gentlemen, I have important work to do. And right now, I’m going to get back to work.

“Thank you for your interest in the progress of the Affordable Care Act, and especially in the terrible website we put together.

“It’s still ‘All Obama’s fault.’ I can’t really tell you sorry I am about that.

“God bless America.”

@GozoTweets

TIME-TRAVELERS DENIED ACA COVERAGE:

31 October 2013

Raise Your Hand if you are a time-traveler. If so, your 2014 insurance may have been delayed by website “glitches.”

Otherwise, your complaints are premature. Or maybe you’re only complaining because you want Obamacare to fail.

A key element in the ACA planning is that we still have until December 15th.
____________________

There’s Still Plenty of time to get on board the ACA wagon. Time travelers not included….

Regards,
(($; -)}
Gozo!

@GozoTweets

IF GOZO TWEETED: Tweet #0097

 19 May 2013

 __________

WHITEWATER: What did Obama know and when did he know it? Republicans vow to reopen investigation. Scandalous, non-scandal list continues.
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Regards,
(($; -)}
Gozo!

@GozoTweets

NEWS FLASH! ACME-AMERICAN HOSPITALS TO PUT HEALTHCARE “ON SALE” ACROSS THE NATION:

9 March 2013

DATELINE: BOISE, ID: “Buy one, get one free! Everything must go!”

Thus spoke Dr. William “Wiley” Coyote, M.D., and CEO of Acme-American Hospitals, LLC, during a press conference at corporate headquarters. Coyote was announcing a nationwide sale of healthcare slated to take place during April 2013.

“This will be a sale of stunning proportions,” observed Coyote, “For the first time ever, Americans will be able to buy the healthcare they want, at a price that will amaze them.”

“Everything will be on the surgical-sale table, so to speak,” said Coyote. “Let’s say a person has always wanted a kidney transplant, but has not been able to afford one. During this unique event, anyone can go to one of our Acme-American facilities and buy as many kidney transplants as he or she could possibly want. At prices that can’t be beat.”

“And livers?” Coyote continued, “Talk about livers! For this sale, and this sale only, we will sell liver transplants so low, why, we can’t advertise ’em. Come one, come all! Buy one, get one free!”

Continuing his presentation, long-time Acme-American CEO Coyote added, “MRIs? CT-scans? Same thing: everything will be on sale. No offers—or body organs—will be rejected. Everything must go. As I always say, here at Acme-American Hospitals, ‘If I can’t sell you the cheapest course of chemotherapy in the country, why, I’m just gonna give it to ya’!’”

Several additional, lower-level Acme-American employees spoke on condition of anonymity, as they were not authorized to offer medical opinions without a license.

–30–

Regards,
(($; -)}
Gozo!

@GozoTweets